The Kardashian family. Just like my own, but not quite. (July 28, 2013 episode)

This week's episode is a continuation of last week's ... if you need to catch up, feel free to check out the last recap here. If you don't want to read last week's recap, I can summarize by telling you the Kardashian/Jenner families are on vacation in Mykonos, Greece.

"Greece Him Up" 

8:02 - The show has finally begun. The first two minutes were spent recapping last week's episode and showing previews of tonight. 

8:03 - Kim is rubbing shea butter all over her pregnant body (all. over.) while Khloe watches. I, on the other hand, might be watching Cinemax instead of E!, but am too busy typing to find the remote and check the guide.

8:04 - Phew. I'm on the right channel because Brody calls Rob to see why he bailed on Greece and Rob doesn't answer. I've quit following this conversation because I'm trying to figure out why Khloe's hair is cornrowed. Bo Derek called ... she wants her look back.

8:05 - Kendall, Kylie and Bruce are apparently all back home in LA for some appearance (gotta pay the bills when you're Kris' kid ... age doesn't matter). I'm losing track of who has made it to Mykonos and who hasn't. I need to hire an assistant.

8:06 - Back in Greece, everyone is laughing at a large European man partaking in some nude sunbathing. Speaking of large, Khloe's having a difficult time fitting her derriere into a wetsuit. It's taking multiple people to assist. That was a seamless transition in editing, huh?

8:07 - Brandon just caught a small fish with his bare hands. I'm telling you - that Jenner DNA is money.

8:09 - Leah asks Kourtney if she's sad that Scott isn't in Greece yet ... on cue, it becomes time to rip on the Lord.

8:10 - Cut to Scott in London, who's booked a few appearance (insert something witty about paying bills even if you're Kris Jenner's grandchildrens' baby daddy).

8:11 - Kourtney receives text pictures of Scott in London leaving a club with girls. She expresses extreme disappointment in him yet again. Cut to commercial.

8:15 - Bruce, Kendall and Kylie finally arrive in Greece. They walk into their hotel villa to find Kris wearing a Liz Taylor-ish wig. She calls the wig style 'Grecian locks.' Nope, they're not. Liz Taylor called from the grave and wants her look back.

8:16 - Kim is scratching her mammary glands at the dinner table and explains to everyone that pregnancy causes skin to stretch and therefore itch. That'd be the weirdest thing occurring at dinner, but Kris walks in with her Liz Taylor/Grecian goddess wig and that takes the focus off Kim's pregnancy boobs.

8:17 - Kris and Brody have another altercation and Brody leaves dinner before dessert. Drama is coming up, but RSP (Ryan Seacrest Productions) has cut to another commercial and we'll have to wait.

8:21 - Kris is now wearing a turban because she's 'trying to be Grecian.' Whatever.

8:22 - Kris is lamenting to Kourtney that Brody is probably upset with her because she didn't invite him to Greece. Kourtney suggests Kris spend some extra time with Brody to get to know him better now that he's there. Kris decides to be the bigger person and will reach out to Brody. "I want him to be one of us." Something tells me Brody isn't exactly ready to swap last names yet.

8:23 - Leah and Brandon aren't feeling the Kardashian-style vacation and decide to skip upcoming yacht time. Kourtney finds a way to complain about Scott in this segment. (<- That could be a new drinking game ...)

8:24 - Kris announces they'll be making a NEW FAMILY MUSIC VIDEO while on the yacht. Now's a good time to insert a link to her first music video ... you're welcome .... 

8:25 - Poor Brody looks so out of place on the yacht. He's gonna need more alcohol to get through the afternoon without Brandon and Leah.

8:26 - Kim is tired and can't be found on deck. She's resting in a lavish bedroom below deck on the yacht. Kourtney tries to convince her she's missing a 'gorgina' (GORE-geye-nah) view. (<- I'm so excited to bring that word home to southern Illinois for Christmas!!!!)

8:27 - Cut to Brandon and Leah in the Mykonos market. Glad they're using the free Kardashian family vacation to make their own separate memories. Way to freeload, guys. 

8:28 - The truth about Kimye's baby not having a 'K' name ... Kim, Kanye and K-baby would've been KKK, per Kim. First mention of the name 'North,' and presumably why we now know it isn't spelled 'Knorth.'

8:29 - Kris is inexplicably wearing the wig again and talking about leaving her ego at the door ("door to what?" is what I'm asking myself). And now she's rubbing tanning oil on Brody's back ... and sort of dry humping him (I can't think of a more PG way to describe what I just saw ... sorry). Time for a much-needed commercial break.

8:33 - Everyone's getting on Sea-Doos (jet skis). Kris is wearing the wig ... I will laugh so hard if it flies off and sinks to the bottom of the Mediterranean where it belongs. 

8:35 - Kourtney and Khloe jump off the front of the yacht into the ocean. Well, at least Kourtney does. Khloe tricked her. Finally Khloe jumps in. Something about a YOLO Pact between the two of them ... seriously, it's jumping into the ocean from approximately 10 feet off the boat. I did more daring stunts off the high dive at the Mt. Carmel Municipal Pool as a 7-year-old.

8:36 - THE WIG FLEW OFF! But, they swung back and picked it up. Damn.

8:38 - Awkward dinner talk on the yacht. Kris teases Brody about being able to cuddle with her. Even I'm starting to feel uncomfortable for Brody. 

8:39 - Brody confesses to Brandon and Leah that Kris "oiled" him up. And Kris apparently was saying something about Brody's back being just like Bruce's back in the day while doing the oiling. AWKWARD! It's getting so disturbing that I have momentarily lost my ability to mock the situation. Good time for a commercial break to recollect myself.

8:42 - Bruce, Brandon and Brody are going "kite surfing." Evidently you hoist yourself into a wet suit, attach a kite to your chest and climb atop a surfboard while the wind in the kite sails pulls you around. Those Jenners .... such athletes.

8:44 - Kourtney and Kris are assessing the situation between Kris and Brody. Kris is getting really philosophical ... at this point, they might want to take advice from some 14-year-old girls on how to better resolve the friction between them.

8:46 - The boys are mocking Bruce for not building a putting green in his backyard because Kris wouldn't let him. Bruce is no dummy ... he knows that "a happy wife equals a happy life" and he walks away from the conversation when his sons start pressuring him to build the putting green. Commercial break is teased with a Brody confessional saying its time for him and Kris to have the talk they should've had many years ago.

8:51 - Nine minutes left, and Scott is finally leaving London to join the family in Greece. How awful must this family be if he's willing to WORK in London instead of join his baby momma on a free trip in paradise?

8:52 - The family is all on another boat ... basically a really large sailboat.

8:53 - Kris is whining again during her confessional about her lack of a relationship with Brody. This leads into the conversation between the two that's apparently been dozens of years in the making .... but, we're interrupted by a commercial break.

8:56 - We're back. Kris and Brody are finally 'talking.' Brody resents Kris' desire for such a lavish lifestyle. She tries to tell him that making him happy makes her genuinely happy. Brody's not buying what she's selling. Now she's upset that he thinks she has favored her own children instead of him and Brandon, too, and that she has shunned him from said 'lavish lifestyle.'

8:59 - Oh. Dear. God. It's to be continued again next week. I'm not sure I can handle doing this again for another episode, but at least I've got a week to recover.