In an alternate universe, my family is eerily similar to the Kardashians. No, we don't have a reality show (although many have suggested one) and no one has shot to meteoric fame because of a sex tape. Otherwise, I think we're eerily similar. Like the Kardashians, my parents have four children - three daughters and a baby boy to round everything out. My parents also made family a central focal point of our lives while growing up, and I think that comes across in each episode that the Kardashians love one another through thick and thin. They also share plenty of laughs together, often at the expense of each other. When the girls made fun of their mom, Kris, while she was playing tennis a few seasons ago, I found myself nearly in tears laughing because that is exactly something my sisters and I would do to our mom if she were making unintended grunting noises on serves and volleys. (And I said I'd never mention tennis again. I've already lied to my audience. Crap.)
Anyway, I enjoyed the show in years past before everything became too crazy for them. For whatever reason, I still tune in for entertainment value even though it's completely jumped the shark (not sharknado - but I suggest you watch it, too) and is now 99.9% unrelatable. (Let's face it - it's July and not like Breaking Bad and Homeland are in season.)
Without further adieu, let me break down last night's episode for you ...
8 p.m. - The Kardashian siblings have a very abnormal relationship. If my Baby Brother ever approached his three older sisters with thoughts of working in the adult entertainment industry, there would be zero encouragement. And he'd quite possibly be written out of the family will upon said hypothetical discussion.
8:01 - Kris Jenner talking to Kim about being, um, 'frisky' during her six pregnancies. Gross. Kim doesn't want to hear any of it, and neither does America.
8:04 - Bruce Jenner is allowed out of the house and he runs up a mountain with his sons, Brandon and Brody. They've all met their contractual seconds of airtime, so that's all for them for the episode.
8:06 - Kim is considering moving in with her mother after giving birth since her love nest won't be ready in time for her delivery, but she seems terribly apprehensive about it. Honestly, I'd have popped out three or four by now if Mr. Cush and I could move in with my mom and she was willing to provide child care, etc.
8:07 - The irony is not lost on me that this season has been very devoted to Bruce repairing his relationship with his sons. Meanwhile … has Kanye even made a cameo? Yeezy couldn't even bother to show up to Kim's ultrasound when she found out the gender of North West.
8:08 - "I can't take a shower in a black shower," Kim says regarding Kris' pad. This is too easy. I'll pass on commenting.
8:13 - Some perceived jealousy here from Kourtney because her baby daddy, Scott, is willing to help Kim put together a stroller. If this was The Brady Bunch, "Kim, Kim, Kim" would be a bonafide expression of the times.
8:14 - Whoa, Bruce again? Has hell frozen over?
8:15 - The Jenner housekeeper just appeared. It's obvious she is not treated to the same glam squad prepping as everyone else in the family before appearing on camera (including Bruce).
8:16 - Scott is commenting on Kim's 'voluptuous' pregnant body. See my first comment - this family has no boundaries.
8:17 - Kim is wondering about the skin tone of her future child. Somewhere, Kanye is wondering about getting a DNA test as beats of 'Golddigger' play in his head.
8:18 - Bruce! Seriously - what's going on here?
8:20 - Kourtney is upset that Scott is having dinner with Kim without her prior knowledge. Scott and Kim seem utterly confused and bothered by Kourtney's reaction. I have no more questions as to why Kourtney repeatedly turns down Scott's marriage proposals.
8:24 - Scott is at an infant CPR class with Kim? Again - WHERE THE HELL IS YEEZY? Seriously, I'm starting to question the paternity of this child, too.
8:25 - At least Kim knows that breathing means an infant is alive. She's more fit for motherhood than I initially thought.
8:26 - Nevermind. She and Scott just tapped the heads of their plastic babies together instead of a more appropriate fist bump.
8:28 - Bruce! Seriously - is he dead and they're just repeatedly propping him up "Weekend at Bernie's" style and showing him off to convince us that they haven't nagged him to death?
8:30 - Brody and Rob are struggling to play ping pong for an upcoming tournament Bruce has talked everyone into playing. Bruce is a natural, because of his gold medal-winning decathlon genes and whatnot. Good news for Brody and Rob is that their sisters are naturals at playing with balls and can provide complimentary training.
8:33 - For someone with all of the money in the world, Kim is having a real problem finding a love nest for her young family. If I had an unlimited budget, we'd have floor plans whipped up in no time … just check out my Pinterest boards.
8:38 - Kris is still trying to convince Kim to move in with her. I feel like Kim is the only person I know not willing to move home. If my mom begged me to move home and let her take care of me, I'd be there in a second.
8:39 - Kim finally agrees. Glad that drama played out for 39 minutes. Not sure how they're going to fill the final 21 minutes this week.
8:40 - Bruce! And we're now at the ping pong tourney. Bruce is wearing some really sweet wind shorts. I'd guess they're from the era of his Olympic glory days, but they seem long enough to cover everything up and from pictures I've seen of Bruce's Olympic glory days, that wasn't the case back then.
8:43 - Bruce just lost. He's questioning his athletic ability. He's left to cheer on his oldest son, Brandon, who has advanced to the finals. Brandon finishes second place overall and has decided that he has now 'gotten back' Bruce for all the years of his athletic domination. Keep telling yourself that, Brandon. I don't see a gold medal hanging around your neck, yet.
8:45 - Kim begins packing to move into Kris' house. Bruce seems OK with this … honestly, how do he and Scott not get along better? I'm sensing they have a major shared interest.
8:47 - Kris explains to Kim that it's easier to push out a small baby than a large baby. "A large baby is, like, ouch." Everything I need to know about childbirth is covered in this show, folks. Please do not buy me "What to Expect When You're Expecting" if there's ever a bun in my oven.
8:51 - Kourtney, the oldest Kardashian, is having a serious case of middle child syndrome tonight. Kris decides Kourtney is jealous that Kim and her offspring are suddenly the center of attention instead of Kourtney and her two children. Makes sense. Actually seems pretty logical coming from Kris for once. But I've never experienced sibling rivalry, so I have nothing to compare her feelings to. (<- sarcasm font, can you tell?)
8:57 - Kourtney and Scott are talking things over back at their house. Scott admits to being more proactive in helping with Kim's pregnancy, but swears he learned everything he knows from Kourtney's pregnancies with his children. They kiss and make up, just like a Full House ending.
8:58 - Kim has moved in with Kris and is experiencing really bad heartburn, so Kris serves her ice cold water in a glass, noting allowed in plastic. Really, Kim? No plastic on your pregnancy lips? Maybe I do need that book, after all.
8:59 - Kris is massaging Kim's toes. Seriously - when can I move in with my mom???
9 - Next week's episode appears to revolve around Rob's insecurities and the family trip to Greece where Kris and Brody experience drama. Looks like the least interesting members of the family will be showcased, so it's really nothing to look forward to.
See what I mean? Totally looks like it could be my wholesome Midwest family, right?
+1 for remembering that you weren't going to talk about tennis. -1 for comparing your mother and siblings to the Kardashians.
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